How much is enough?

This has been on my mind for many days now.....and no I am not talking about money but about pushing the children to realise our dreams and live up to our expectations. How much should we push our children to come first and be tops in everything that they do.

The thought comes in my head specially when I see moms and kids together at a place where there are many other children, like at the hobby classes, parks, the lavish birthday parties that have become the norm for all kids to have. I see the moms more upset than the children if the child does not win, the child may still be laughing and enjoying the fact that atleast he had a good time and participated in the event whether at school, hobby competition or at birthday party games. Isn't that the spirit of sportsmanship and why can't we teach them that? And the childhood days and the fun, what about that? do we have a right as parents to deny them the innocent years with the stress of competing for 'more'?

I think about it so much as I am not one of those pushy moms.......I am a happy go lucky working moms, where a discipline for attending the hobby class is important but not a matter of life and death if missed. I am not the kind who sweeps through the children's notebooks to ask the teacher why the child got half a mark less or why were marks deducted ( sometimes I am pleasantly surprised at what my children have achieved when I see their work at PTMs...Ouch) - I do not network with the hobby teacher to push my child in the competitions coming up. I do network to wish them on festivals and teacher's day as i feel it is my duty, given that they give so much joy to my kids.


So why am I thinking so much about it? Let me give you a few examples.......

I know of a mother who was very keen that her daughter participate in sports events and has finally achieved that with pushing her for two whole years of this and that. recently, my daughter said that the girl was very upset that her mom was upsetthat she wasn't chosen to participate in a competition as hr coach felt her performance was not good enough...and lol three days later the mom had managed that as well. How? search me.....Would it really have been such a disaster if her daughter did not go? Couldn't she have gone when she was ready and qualified on her own?

Another mother I know pushes her child socially...." go play football now and why don't you do so with so and so ( the reason being that the people she is pushing the child to are richie rich with the state of the art latest gizmos that money can buy and the children are swankily dressed..) So what are we teaching the child that anyone who has no money or is not flashy is not worth it? I had the same mother look me up and down with astonishment when I described some London streets and places to, when she was off on her first London trip. Well, the reason for her astonishment was simple......"I amjust a old fashioned girl, with a old fashioned wardrobe( yes my power dressing is still Indian clothes) and my car is a small one, while the mother in question is ready to outgrow her Esteem ( the car that is ...ha ha) . And I had been to London many times so as to describe the sights and roads...........

Another mother.......her son had to race against other students at the Taekwondo class ( races are a part of warm ups before the sparring) and he could not come second..so while most of us were happily sitting and destressing or walking she would sit watching the class and egging her son on...and lord help the son if he came second.

Another one thought that the child had to participate in ALL competitions happening at school as it builds the competitive spirit in them, Good, I said must encourage my daughter to do the same. The funny thing was that to build the spirit of competition in the children for this mother meant that the children had to be in the top three selections.......Oh , and here I always counsel my children to study hard, gain knowledge and not worry about marks or coming first in class.

So I wonder - are my children loosing out as I am not pushing them, could they have gone places with their talent and work if I had thought about all that. Am I the odd one out who is not doing so and disadvantaging my children in getting the most out of life? Are my children not going to find their 30 seconds of fame in talent shows and competitions. Will they have to wait for their glory when they fly on their own? What should I do? Push them? But comes back to my question at the beginning - how much is enough? Does any one have an answer? Do tell me.........

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Are we heading for a Mahabharat?

Well, first the season's very best to all.The festive season has begun in earnest and is flying by really fast, It seems that just yesterday was rakhi and what even Durga Puja are now over...Diwali will pass by in no time and the year will be over. So lets look forward to a better year and a better world and ensure that we are the instruments of change for the better.......

Coming back to why I think we are headed for a Mahabharat - I have been looking around me and realise this increasing culture of - 'me, myself and I' without a consideration or thought for the others- Please don't misunderstand this with individualism, i am actually talking about selfishness. Each one of is unique like everyone else :-)) but do so many of us have to be sooooo selfish.

Just as Duryodhana was spoilt by his parents ( being their first born) and given to understand that he could fight the Pandavas and get what he wants - it ultimately led to the Mahabharat. I feel the children today are being brought up with the same attitude - they know they can get what they want and when they want it and they have to get it if they want it...I see the mothers urging their children to get ahead and think only of themselves when doing so. It makes me sad to see the children being chided by moms for not coming first in the race ( in a hobby class as well), of seeing them indulged and not taught any respect for food or money( check out the behaviour of a lot of young parents and kids at a resturant), of seeing them being insensitive to another's need or problem ( as long as i am happy, mujhe kya?), no respect for elders or no respect to the fact that the aged have their set of issues when moving around( Have you ever observed a youngster's impatience with an old person in a market place?)

As time passes there will be more and more of these Duryodhanas who will be quite happy with life as long as they can live as they want. And the moment their wishes are not met there will be mayhem. And already the media is full of many cases and i shudder to think what will happen as time passes by........We have seen enough cases of road rage around in delhi - sometime murders or brutal bashings just because the person in front didnt let you jump a red light or give you way to pass, Arguments with friend leading to fatal fights, pub and party brawls, the other day out at a movie , there was a group of 4 ,(2 couples actually) where one couple got into an argument and the guy physically slapped the girl who went away crying...that leads me to domestic violence as well, the frustrated spouse decided to give it hard to the other one and vent his or her feelings.

We need to stop this and change our attitude with children....We need to deny them sometimes what they want or hold carrots to achieve what we want - otherwise we will all be a generation of Duryohanas and can you imagine, we will meet a fate worse than Mahabharat perhaps with no Krisna coming to our rescue...................

Burdens of Childhood

Hi again, It's nice to be back albeit after a long time, and what kept me away was not entirely my busy schedule but also the after effects of a workshop that I helped conduct........the workshop was meant for PG students and teaching them the basics of theatre and the how and why of drama and get them to 'let go'...of many biases and thoughts and the shackles of upbringing and learn to live the character you are representing on stage......you have to forget who you are and who all are watching you and if your action is seemingly strange but required to be part of the character. You also had to learn to trust your fellow team members and a pretty interesting exercise was carried out. We all stood in a circle in teams of 8-9 people and one of the persons had to stand in the centre and fall trusting his/ her teammates completely to save him/her. It was really interesting to see how hard most of us find to completely trust a fellow human....

All good fun so far....and took the better part of the morning, then the workshop took an unexpected serious turn, the instructor embarked on an exercise to rid the attendees of the burdens of childhood. The kids were asked to lie down an close their eyes and relax. They had to then imagine that they were walking into a paradise and there in in a room they meet all the people who have hurt them in life and forgive them of the actions they might have performed resulting into the unpleasantness that you faced. It was here that one started seeing some kids break down and how....and even after the whole worshop ready to break down into tears......The hurt ranged from unfulfilled dreams to discrmination of a girl child to angst at the grandparents for their behaviour with their parents, of a restricted childhood, It went on and on, It amazed me to see, how much unhappiness can accrue with in us if we hold on to this memories and prejudices. the mother in me reacted instantly and I wanted to hug and console each child, did for some and calmed them down................but the emotions just got to me and how...

But one big lesson that I learnt is that it is better to forgive and forget and move on with life, not easy but definitely cleansing your heart and head of a lot of emotional angst that may ultimately stand in the way of your material and spiritual progress.

So, do forgive and enjoy the peace you will when you do.............

Fear

Fear - The word evokes different feelings in all of us and we all fear different things. We fear the physical injuries as well as emotional ones all the time. I started to think about this when out on a very mundane visit to the bank ...........I was walking down and suddenly the sight of a lone man in the sidelane that I was passing through made me clutch my bag a little more tightly. I was surprised at the reaction as many countless times I had passed through the sidelanes for the bank. You see, the evening previous to that one aunty whose sister lives near the bylane told me that the RWA had put up a notice for the residents to be careful of the snatchers in the lane, and there I was imagining perhaps what might not be.....the man passed me by and I breathed a sigh of relief and went on to finish business at the bank.


Well, one small thing that set me thinking and I realised that I feel really vulnerable when i am walking on road sides with heavy traffics, or in an auto going off to a far off place,I love cooking but am really scared of pressure cookers and gas cylinders...I am scared for the safety of my children and get really hyper when I cant see them at an appointed time or play in the park...I am also scared of dark places, perhaps not so much of the lonely ones............



I wondered why this is happening...........and realised that the media is a lot to blame for this and the change that one percieves in the society। The media is forever creating panic and making moutains out of molehills to grab eyeballs from the audiences and we respond . We should believe that our children are not safe in school as there are many sex starved teachers there and lord forbid that they zero in on our daughters...There are drug addicts wanting to add on to their lot and will be soon targetting our sons...There are chain snatchers and thieves who want your money or your life...and if you live in Delhi then there is road rage that you have to fear when out on the streets... And wait while you are at home, your servant and cook is about to get you for a few thousands that you have, if you read newspapers or watch TV channels then you will discover many new ways in which someone is out to get you....

I think I have passed on some of the panic to my children - good or bad I don't know, but am sure they are careful when out there.........And confident that they are as God is walking with them